Only men can do feminism

If you’re looking for some giggles today (and Lord knows I am), and know anything at all about feminism/ the feminist movement, read this Onion piece.

After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old management consultant Peter “Buck” McGowan took over as new chief of the worldwide initiative for women’s rights.

…

“You can’t waste time pussyfooting around with protests and getting all emotional about a bunch of irrelevant details,” McGowan said. “If you want to enjoy equal rights, you have to have a real man-to-man chat with the people in charge until you can hammer out some more equitable custody laws.”

Sometimes satire doesn’t get it right, but this time it’s just bang on.

Naughty little peers, they are

I’m only really posting this because it makes me laugh. Not because I care enormously about it one way or t’other.

Peers respond to cash allegations

Two of the Labour peers at the centre of claims they were ready to take cash to change legislation have responded to the allegations in the House of Lords.

If there was ever a reason to reconsider the effectiveness of the structure of Parliament in this country, then surely this is it. You don’t need a moral conscience when you’ve got vaguely royal blood, it seems.

On the way home this evening, I heard Radio 4 play a recording of Lord Taylor’s conversation with the Times in which he discussed a bribe, followed by Lord Taylor telling the House of Lords that he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. The juxtaposition was priceless.

In his defence, he did sound a bit dottery. Well, when he was addressing the Lords anyway. Less so when he was talking cold hard cash. Frankly, I feel he was selling himself cheap for a grand. Apparently, he often gets offered £25,000 to pull a few strings. Marvellous!

Who wants to bet me 20p that the Lords in question get away with it? That’s how it rolls here, no?

If you don’t fancy that game, play this one instead. Get more metaphors into one paragraph than Lord Strathclyde does here. I don’t think it’s possible, myself.

“This House has been mired in a grim torrent of criticism about a culture of sleaze,” he told peers. “If these allegations are true those involved have shamed this House,” he said, adding there were no “grey areas in the paid advocacy rules”.

I love politics.

Protected: Attention whoring and delete

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Moments of madness

Radio 4 recently reported an interesting story about new Internet billing software which disables your machine by issuing so many pop-up reminders about your outstanding payments that your computer becomes unusable. It’s currently being tried by the developers, MBS, and is used mostly on, unsurprisingly, porn sites. From what I can gather – I don’t remember all the details – it asks you to check a box indicating that you would like a free trial period on the site, but in doing so, you agree to the terms and conditions that you will receive the pop-ups. Of course, that clause is on page 20 of the terms and conditions which no one ever reads anyway. And these pop-ups aren’t those we were all too familiar with in the pre-Firefox days, either; they’re the type, apparently, that you can’t close and that are so memory intensive, your computer can’t function. Until you agree to pay, that is. My thoughts on this are predictable – that such things really should be more closely regulated – but they are not the point of this post.

The point is this: one lady interviewed by Radio 4 was complaining about this software because it had disabled her husband’s computer. She and he were obviously very upset by what had happened, but I was both embarrassed and amused by the way she told her story. Her husband had had a five minute moment of madness, apparently, when he decided that he would like to seek out some pictures of ‘nude women’ on the internet. He went to this site in what really must have been a moment of madness (she repeated), and checked the text box agreeing to the terms and conditions. She just doesn’t know what he was thinking! (I do!) He was plagued by pop-ups and eventually had to come clean to both his wife and his employer (he was using his work computer). Bless!

Now seriously! In what world does Mrs. Moment of Madness think that this is the first time that Mr. Moment of Madness has looked at porn. It’s not! It’s the first time he’s been ‘caught’ by you, but it is not the first time he’s accessed porn. I would stake my life, and yours, on this. It was so obvious from her voice that she absolutely wanted to believe what she was saying, and that she wanted the listener to believe it too, but her doubt was evident. She’s hurt, angry and probably a little humiliated at what she’s discovered, and I’m sure that she wants to believe her husband was possessed by something shocking at the time, but we all know that’s not true. I feel bad for her, but she’s not fooling anyone, including herself.

The moral of the tale: Middle England ain’t ready for porn. And it certainly ain’t ready for an MBS billing system. (Oh, and always read the terms and conditions!)

I do hope that Mr. and Mrs. Moment of Madness get through this, but I dare say he’s in the spare room for now. Possibly along with his laptop.

Supplementary

The thing with vitamin and mineral supplements is this: I’m frickin-well obsessed with them. I blame the mammy! She takes a fair share herself and every so often sends me a text about the benefits of a new one she’s found that she thinks I should try. It’s all based on the notion that, while we’re not actually sure if they do us any good, we’re pretty certain that they don’t do us any harm. And we both have good, robust diets that keep us largely on the right path.

So, with lunch I take the following:
Multi-vitamins, minerals and iron
Vitamin B complex
Evening primrose oil
Omega 3 fish oils
Siberian ginseng

In the evenings, I take another batch:
Evening primrose oil (again)
Omega 3 fish oils (again)
Garlic
Peppermint oil
Echinacea (for three weeks at a time)
Vitamin C
Vitamin D
Vitamin E
Cod liver oil

And before bed, I’ll normally knock bad three of four valerian to help me sleep.

Now, I know that this will seem madness to some, but it’s all part of a reassurance culture I’ve built up for myself. I’m fairly sure that I get all of what I need from my diet, but in taking these supplements, I reassure myself that I’m probably the healthiest person in the whole world. And I figure that even if supplements are over-rated for their physiological benefits, that psychological benefit is worth it alone. It’s all about the aggregate effect, in my book. And they don’t cost the earth – particularly not now that Tesco and Superdrug have them.

So, futile pursuit or worthwhile endeavour, do you think? (Also, if there’s anything you think I should have that I’ve missed off the list, do let me know! What’s another to add to the list! )

Miguel from Edinburgh seeking unstable woman for drama driven love/hate relationship

Miguel, here, sounds like great craic! The ‘ad’ is copied from Gumtree Edinburgh. I’m not sure I meet Miguel’s rather stringent criteria (thankfully) but I’m sure I have friends who do. Man, who doesn’t! I want to reply to him to congratulate him for being so fantastically ironic and tongue-in-cheek, but I think I’ll refrain. Perhaps you’ll do it for me. I wonder if anyone will actually reply with serious intentions? I do hope so!

Quote:

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Miguel , I live in Edinburgh , I’m 25 years old, Fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that – I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanising sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder – or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Miguel x

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

End quote. Tee hee.

Hilarious spam

I’ve just received this spam mail (into my university account, bizarrely). I had to repost it because I’ve never had one like this before.

Hello!!!

How are you? My name is Liliya. I am 26 years old. I live in Russia, city Youshkar-Ola. I am cheerful woman, and like to do many things as sport, camping, go to the cinema, theatre etc. In a word I like to do all what like all people. I work in marketing structure on sale of cosmetics. My dream this travel abroad. I know the english language well enough.. I began to study english language approximately one year ago. I wish tell to you history which have pushed me write to you. 8 months ago I have got acquainted with the man from other country by name Justin. During this time we had good relations. We have understood that our relations become serious and we have decided to meet in his country. I wrote the application for reception the visa. I waited reception of the visa approximately half of year. All time I kept in touch with Justin through the internet and often called to each other. I and Justin waited reception of the visa to our meeting.

I have received the invitation from the ambassador for reception of the visa. My director has given me long-term holiday from work and I have gone to Moscow to receive the visa. I informed good news to Justin, but he has answered, that does not want our meeting. He played with me. He has informed that has the wife with two children and at all has no plans to meet me. I was not ready to such turn of events. I could not think what even after 8 months of acquaintance he can so unscrupulously act with me. Now I am in Moscow trip to Moscow and reception of visa. I do not want that all was gone for nothing and will be glad if my visa will be useful to our meeting. I could arrive already through 4-5 days, but a problem in that that now I have no man which would like my arrival. Probable it will silly sound but if you will be interested in a meeting with the good woman I shall like to meet you sometime soon! As Justin was dishonest with me I have decided to find the man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia. I do not know your ideas about my letter, but it would be fine if we could meet and have some weeks or months together. On my trip I want to receive rest from my work and a life in Russia. Also the basic purpose for the future it is search good men for serious attitudes which go to a marriage. I have no children, but I want to have children in the future. I am the mature woman and ready to creation of family with good man. I do not know what you really search in the future but if we could meet I shall be happy to discuss with you more about our meeting. What are you going to do this time? It would be fine if we could meet, do friendship or more than simply friendship. I shall be happy if you also have a free time and we could meet soon. I do not know your interests, but anyhow write to me back and I shall tell to you more about myself. Write to me all that you want. Maybe we have similar plans and it will be interesting to us together.

You can write all that you want. Ask any questions which interest you.Write to me back and I shall tell more about myself and send more my photos.

Please, write to me back on my regular e-mail: shiroko@bk.ru (The email actually came from jehr@melody.demon.co.uk)

Have a good day, Liliya.

Huh? What exactly is the point of this? What’s in it for ‘Liliya’? She didn’t ask for any money or account details, so I’m not sure what she’s after. Perhaps she seduces the ‘man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia’ and then gets the cash? I’m not sure how this scam works, exactly. But it made me laugh anyway: I always admire the time these spammers take to spin their yarns to try to gain your attentions and sympathies.

However, if any of you are good men who want to meet a good woman from Russia and have serious attitudes which go to a marriage, then don’t let me stop you like…

Oh me nerves!

The housemate downloaded a copy of Children of Men recently and he was watching it the other night. I caught the first and last half hours, but not the middle part. (I ran out of both patience and time.) The premise is that the world in 2027 is in chaos: women are infertile and the last baby was born eighteen years ago. The plot centres around one girl who is fertile, and Clive Owen’s quest to save her from the government which is desperate to get its hands on her, and to get her to the ‘Human Project’ which can help both her and her child. At least I think that’s what it’s about: it’s along those lines anyway.

It wasn’t for me, really. I’m not sure if it was because it was too realistic (imagine such a world!) or because it was too unrealistic (as if that would happen!). I think it was the latter, really, because I wasn’t believing any of it and therefore I wasn’t really interested in it. (I don’t understand sci-fi, frankly.) But most of all, I didn’t like it because it was just too intense and dramatic for me. I don’t do well with those sorts of shows at all. Take 24 for example: I just can’t watch it (much to my housemate’s displeasure). I sit there palpitating looking at everything that’s going on: the four action-packed screens at once, Jack Bauer disappearing again, the evil President plotting against the world (familiar anyone?), and the shooting and the maiming and the bombing and the punching and the fighting and the killing. It. Just. Never. Stops.

Oh me nerves!!!

Prison Break’s the same. I tried to watch the first series (again with the housemate), but I couldn’t cope with their plans for escape being thwarted at every turn. I used to scream inwardly at the television: ‘Would you just [quite literally] give these men a frickin break already?!’ (I like to adopt an American persona when watching American shows), but they never did. When I last saw it, they had had to add yet another troublesome inmate to their list of escapees, and they had reached yet another wall or pipe or person or something obstructive while digging their way through the prison plans yer man had tattooed on him. This show, too, was all too much for me nerves. I think they got out in the end, but the saga now continues on the outside. I’d be run ragged!

See, reader(s), I like Coronation Street (there’s no better parody and wit on the box), and Eastenders when I’m not feeling depressed. Nothing ever happens in those shows apart from people being rude to each other in ways that you never see in real life, and the odd serial killing. They’re great craic and my nerves don’t mind it at all when Phil Mitchell with his big red face is hurling someone out of the Vic or suchlike. It’s easy viewing and I wish there was more of it for people of nervous dispositions like me. This action carry-on is very overrated.

Perchance, I shall write to the BBC…

Blogging’s dead – it’s all about the other life

Blogging’s on the way out, apparently. ‘Oh no, how will I ever meet anyone interesting again?’, was my reaction to this. Seriously, how would I?

According to the Stamford-based consultancy, 20m people have already stopped updating their blogs, while the 100m expected to keep plugging away represent those who still reckon they have something to say, and still think other people are keen to hear it.

The claim that all bloggers are egomaniacs is quite true, but it misses the point that ALL humans are egomaniacs.

Ooops, I do hope that category doesn’t somehow include me (although this viewpoint does make sorry sense). In the same article, the writer talks about something that reminds me of something else called Second Life which is, as my housemate described this morning, ‘a slightly more interesting way of instant messaging’. You create a ’second life’ for yourself (it does exactly what it says on the tin) that’s presumably more interesting and exciting than the one you have currently. You can be whatever you want, I believe, and your friends can too. You and they can transport yourselves into this alternative reality all day everyday and, erm, do stuff there. Why not, I suppose.

Frankly, though, I don’t have enough time to deal with the current reality I have, so I’m not sure at all why I would want to create another one for myself in which I’m, say, a 6′ 2″ supermodel (currently, I’m just a 5′ 4″ supermodel) who goes to all the best places and has all the best fun with all the best money. Or, say, a feisty attitude-d rock star with a worrying but interesting drug habit and mental health condition and nothing better to do. In fact, I could think of nothing worse; particularly if this prediction is anything to go by.

Here’s how I see it working. Every slife has a value, but some are more attention-worthy than others. Fifty grumpy old men probably won’t get the fanbase that one cheerleader might, for instance. So a market will develop – pay cash, pay more interesting chunks of your own day, contribute group feeds from your buddies – anything to gain access to those higher-credit lives. Fans will buy monthly subscriptions to higher-prized slifes, amateurs will stream their slifes for free, popular amateur sites will be rewarded for their real time – real-life soap opera with big bucks in advertising revenue – and, slowly but surely, every square inch of urbanised land, every minute of every day, will be criss-crossed by point-streaming recorders of all that they see and all that they do. At school, at work, in the shower, in bed, watching, being watched – a consensual Big Brother state, Orwell’s and Endemol’s coinciding. The death of privacy, the death, almost as a side-effect, of telly, too.

But, whatever floats your boat! This would likely sink mine.

I’ll stick with the blogging. I like the words: using words to convey ideas (even if they’re only interesting to yourself) is a much harder job than building a big house with a swimming pool on the Interweb any day.

Or so we all thought in 2006.

Hannibal 4eva

Silence of the Lambs was one of my favourite films back in the day. When I read the book later, I appreciated it for what it was: a well written and engaging thriller. I never did read Red Dragon (which is about Lector during his pre-Lambs days, I think) but I believe the film was passable if you’d nothing better to do of an evening. I was intrigued, however, when I heard about Hannibal (Lector in his post-Lambs days) and I decided that I would give it a go. I’d even been told by a few people that they’d finished all 576 pages of it in a week! I think someone I know polished it off in four days! To say that it was the worst book I’ve ever read (second only to the The Da Vinci Crap) doesn’t do the awfulness of this book enough justice. I battled through it for six whole months, determined to reach the end of it, and read countless other books in the meantime. It was simply dreadful, and I’ve made a point since of telling that to anyone who’ll listen. So, you can imagine my delight when I read this review in the Guardian of Hannibal Rising (Lector as a kid I think, although surely they’ve run out of decades by now!) which contained such gems as:

The fall, as the French don’t call autumn, was late that year as Lady Murasaki nursed Hannibal back to speech. First, a farting flubber sound; then fully formed words.

Notice how the text switches to italics and the present tense. Recognise the hand of a master storyteller with no editor.

“We have reached that random point in the plot where I need to introduce some looted art treasures,” said Popil. “So I need your help tracking down your family’s long-lost Leonardos and Titians.”

“Ah, good,” laughed Hannibal. “I expect the looters are the same people who killed my family. That will give me an excuse to go to Lithuania and kill a few of them in graphic detail.”

Hannibal smiled. He had got away with his greatest crime to date. A bestselling thriller with no thrills at all.

It’s been a while since I’ve read such a disparaging book review, and although I will never, ever turn a page in the book, I’m absolutely certain that none of it’s unfair.