Now listed as missing

It’s the aspect of Facebook I like least, I think (notwithstanding the alleged CIA/ KGB/ IRA/ FBI/ SNP involvement). I’m referring, of course, to that little box on your profile which tells the whole world – or at least those people in your whole world who have access to your profile – whether you’re coupled up or not. I wouldn’t mind that so much, if it weren’t for the ease with which Facebook informs anyone who’ll listen that you’re no longer coupled up and are now, in fact, SINGLE.

Every day on my Facebook ‘news’ feed, I see the words: Charlene Bloggs is now listed as ‘in a relationship’ and Charlie Doe is now listed as ’single’. I always ask myself two things: ‘again?!’ and ‘why is it always indicated by a little heart, no matter the outcome?’.

Nowadays, I long for the times when Charlene getting herself a lad (or a lass), and Charlie returning to singledom for a while, were more private affairs, but it seems we’ve gone beyond that now. I somehow resent reading about my friends’ most intimate stories on a stark white page, even if they did choose to put them there themselves. It’s clinical in a very 21st century way; we don’t even need to sympathise any more.

But most of all I think about those who are surely, every day, dumped by Facebook. It must be quite something to log on of a morning only to find that you’ve returned to your own singledom, and that you’re very likely the last to know about it.

I was dumped on Facebook. (Sorry about the Torygraph link there, peeps.)

Great Britain is Great, Great, Great (except it’s not)

I can see where Douglas Alexander wants to go with this, but it’s just not accurate. As an Irish person living in England, I’m fairly certain that there is not the wonderful harmony between the four nations (Northern Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales) that he’s so sure about. He starts off with the usual Britain is Best sentiments, which you’d expect to see on a piece like this:

Three hundred years since the creation of United Kingdom, the fact that our future is still a matter of periodic debate is a mark of its strength, not its weakness. The UK is a unique union. England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland together have formed one of the most powerful and respected countries on earth, yet each has retained its own identity.

… forgetting only to mention how fluffy and pink and cuddly we all are, and how there’s never anything less than a smile on all our faces. Ahem.

I loved the little gems in his piece such as the following.

We share values and have learned to live in harmony without the imposition of one homogenised identity.

Absolutely! I think ‘harmony’ is a wonderful word to describe the situation in Northern Ireland for the last 40 years. Hell, we can’t get enough of each other over there! For 25 of those years, we couldn’t get enough of killing each other. But it was always harmonious, of course! It also explains rather well why Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland haven’t bothered to seek devolution in the last decade. Except, of course, that they have!

But let’s not forget that the real point of this piece was for Alexander to lavish praise on the Labour party (obviously, he’s a big fan). I’m sure that he manages to achieve this under any guise really, and the Strength of the Union just happened to take his fancy today. To say that he’s niave about the UK and indeed the world around him is understating how misguided he is in his convictions that everything in these four places is AOK. It’s not. I can only speak confidentently about Northern Ireland because that’s where I’m from, but I can assure you and him that life is far from ‘harmonious’ there. The irony is that he wrote this for the Guardian, clearly without ever bothering to read what’s printed in the Guardian about Our Great Nation. Bless him.

But, to give one commenter (talksense) his/her dues, I really couldn’t have put it better myself. I’m not sure where s/he gets the idea about the Welsh, but perhaps s/he has some knowledge that I don’t.

“the lived British experience is a blueprint for the future not just here, but around the globe”

What a load of lofty rubbish. Especially when we know the real reason why Labour is so in love with the Union all of a sudden (which is traditionally a Tory nueroses). It’s simply because it enables them to stay in power.

“300 years ago, we realised what countries around the world are doing now – that we are stronger together and weaker apart”

I don’t think that too many Irish had a say in this.

The creation of the Union in Great Britian was enabled by elite scots who wanted a bigger slice of the power-pie. The greatest defenders of the union today are also those same elite scots who love the world stage that London provides. However, the scot on the street would be far prouder, happier and better of if the burden of subsidy could be shaken off and they could have their own nation state.

The other union, which was born 100 years later, was a complete disaster, for which people in Northern Ireland are still paying the price. Today, almost half of the people in Northern Ireland have little or no connection with Britian. Of the rest, the working classes have, over the years, been whipped up in a frenzy of perverse nationalism (in the guise of Unionism) by community leaders (the Orange Order, which must be one of the most bigoted organisations in the world) and protestant clergymen (many who believe the world began 4000 years ago). Hardly a “blueprint” for success “around the globe”.

Most English people on the street couldn’t care less about Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland and are more concerned with England winning the Ashes or World Cup. And good luck to them!

As for the Welsh. Everyone knows they would like to make on their own, but they probably can’t be bothered, especially as they consider themselves superior to everyone else, anyway.

The sooner the union is dissolved the better for all concerned. All except for the Labour party, that is.

Blogging’s dead – it’s all about the other life

Blogging’s on the way out, apparently. ‘Oh no, how will I ever meet anyone interesting again?’, was my reaction to this. Seriously, how would I?

According to the Stamford-based consultancy, 20m people have already stopped updating their blogs, while the 100m expected to keep plugging away represent those who still reckon they have something to say, and still think other people are keen to hear it.

The claim that all bloggers are egomaniacs is quite true, but it misses the point that ALL humans are egomaniacs.

Ooops, I do hope that category doesn’t somehow include me (although this viewpoint does make sorry sense). In the same article, the writer talks about something that reminds me of something else called Second Life which is, as my housemate described this morning, ‘a slightly more interesting way of instant messaging’. You create a ’second life’ for yourself (it does exactly what it says on the tin) that’s presumably more interesting and exciting than the one you have currently. You can be whatever you want, I believe, and your friends can too. You and they can transport yourselves into this alternative reality all day everyday and, erm, do stuff there. Why not, I suppose.

Frankly, though, I don’t have enough time to deal with the current reality I have, so I’m not sure at all why I would want to create another one for myself in which I’m, say, a 6′ 2″ supermodel (currently, I’m just a 5′ 4″ supermodel) who goes to all the best places and has all the best fun with all the best money. Or, say, a feisty attitude-d rock star with a worrying but interesting drug habit and mental health condition and nothing better to do. In fact, I could think of nothing worse; particularly if this prediction is anything to go by.

Here’s how I see it working. Every slife has a value, but some are more attention-worthy than others. Fifty grumpy old men probably won’t get the fanbase that one cheerleader might, for instance. So a market will develop – pay cash, pay more interesting chunks of your own day, contribute group feeds from your buddies – anything to gain access to those higher-credit lives. Fans will buy monthly subscriptions to higher-prized slifes, amateurs will stream their slifes for free, popular amateur sites will be rewarded for their real time – real-life soap opera with big bucks in advertising revenue – and, slowly but surely, every square inch of urbanised land, every minute of every day, will be criss-crossed by point-streaming recorders of all that they see and all that they do. At school, at work, in the shower, in bed, watching, being watched – a consensual Big Brother state, Orwell’s and Endemol’s coinciding. The death of privacy, the death, almost as a side-effect, of telly, too.

But, whatever floats your boat! This would likely sink mine.

I’ll stick with the blogging. I like the words: using words to convey ideas (even if they’re only interesting to yourself) is a much harder job than building a big house with a swimming pool on the Interweb any day.

Or so we all thought in 2006.