Miguel from Edinburgh seeking unstable woman for drama driven love/hate relationship

Miguel, here, sounds like great craic! The ‘ad’ is copied from Gumtree Edinburgh. I’m not sure I meet Miguel’s rather stringent criteria (thankfully) but I’m sure I have friends who do. Man, who doesn’t! I want to reply to him to congratulate him for being so fantastically ironic and tongue-in-cheek, but I think I’ll refrain. Perhaps you’ll do it for me. I wonder if anyone will actually reply with serious intentions? I do hope so!

Quote:

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Miguel , I live in Edinburgh , I’m 25 years old, Fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that – I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanising sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder – or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Miguel x

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

End quote. Tee hee.

19 responses to “Miguel from Edinburgh seeking unstable woman for drama driven love/hate relationship

  1. I like the fact that in amongst all the dry wit and self-aware references to stuff he’s done but didn’t like (no really) is a preference for large breasts. So just like any other personal ad, then.

  2. I meet this guys criteria 100%.

    Should I book the Relate counsellor in advance?

    I want to write back and see if he meets my criteria though

    1. Must use humour to disguise the fact that he is actually a sociopath
    2. Must have ongoing drug/and/or/alcohol problem for which he is neither receiving help nor has any intention of as he does not have a problem.
    3. Must act on first date as though he has not only bags of money but also ambition. This will inevitably be found to be an utter fallacy after our third date. Money will actually have come from recent “personal injury compensation claim” and will be spent on aforementioned drink/drugs combo. All ambition will in fact be bullshit designed to get me into bed/the kitchen table/a back alley somewhere that smells of piss.
    4. Must have secret desire to grow a moustache.
    5. Must have intention of liking all my mates until we are “an item” and then will categorically go through every one of them with fault picking toothcomb until I have no idea who I ever was before said sexual humiliation/poor excuse for a relationship began.

    Whatya think. Perfect No?

  3. Hi there,

    My name’s Nikolai, I posted this advert originally. Just to let you know, I found my soulmate through it – genuinely – and it’s quite a story.

    The advert was plagiarised many times, by many people. It keeps on being copied, and mutated slightly each time. It’s fun watching it happen. Although Miguel (who I’ve written to) should really have asked my permission for it, shouldn’t he, the rude man!

    Well, anyway, my fiancee saw the advert, posted by someone else. She wrote him, but became suspicious when he had little to say for himself, despite posting a literature, witty advert. So she asked a friend about it, who said she’d seen it before on gumtree. Fortunately I posted it on my blog, so she managed to find me and tell me about the plagiarism.

    Amazingly, we hit it off, and now plan to spend our lives together. Funny how things work out. I’m now writing to everyone who’s plagiarised the advert to thank them – and let them know how successful their efforts have been for me. And so I’ve been searching for the ad on Google. And that’s how I got to you.

    All the best,

    Nikolai

    ps. She’s not even insane, despite the advert! 🙂
    pps. Shows that it doesn’t pay to plagiarise!

  4. Really! You wouldn’t believe this, but she’s now 4.5 months pregnant. We’re expecting the baby in early May.

    Incredible how things turn out really.

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