Charlie Brooker tells you everything you need to know about THAT wedding

If you missed the nuptials yesterday (as if that were possible!), Charlie Brooker has a précis of it all here. Really, nothing else happened. Oh, there might have been the two of them in an Aston Martin being driven by Wills*, about which a BBC presenter said, “They’re just an ordinary couple”. Yes, in an Aston Martin with a security escort on their way from a palace to a mansion. So ordinary, don’t you know!

* He’s driving it himself! Himself! Look at the L plate! Oh have you ever seen anything like it?! Isn’t it adorable!? Isn’t it just the most amazing thing you ever have seen!?

If hashtags were reocognised on wordpress, I would include #thankfuckthatsover on this post.

Hat-tip to lapetitefeministeanglaise.

10.15 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Snarky Comment Re Prince William’s Hairloss

10.30 I Couldn’t Care Less About the Royal Wedding and I Don’t Care Who Knows It Pundits declare their ambivalence toward today’s event while standing on brightly coloured plinths clutching armfuls of live chicks in order to make them look slightly silly for bothering.

11.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Joke Re Kate Being Taken Up the Aisle

11.15 At the Altar Live footage of the couple at the altar, accompanied by impromptu ironic commentary ostensibly emanating from within Prince William’s head, performed by Peter Dickson, voice of The X Factor. 1

1.20 The Royal Wedding in Solid 3D Breathtaking coverage of the ceremony utilising a groundbreaking new broadcast system that converts images of the happy couple into devastatingly accurate three-dimensional carved wooden effigies, spilling from your screen in real-time at a rate of 25 figurines per second. Samsung Accu-Carve Solid 3D TV required. Caution: may fill house with miniature royals and assorted detritus. 12.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Go a Bit Gooey

12.15 The Bit with the Carriage During which viewers may choose to speculate about how many hospitals you could buy for the cost of that bejewelled chariot, but alas to no avail, for ye shall be drowned out by the cheering and the merry-making and the joyous hubbub.

1.25 Balcony Kiss Your chance to witness the one image certain to dominate every newspaper’s front page tomorrow. Unless Prince Harry goes mad and has a shit on the steps of the cathedral and then does a backflip and kicks a girl in the face.

2.00 Endless Endless Loops of Everything You’ve Just Seen, But Cut Into Slightly Smaller Chunks, Spooling Over and Over and Over With a Newsreader Burbling Over the Top, Repeating and Repeating and Repeating Until You Feel Like Time Itself is a Scratched CD Doomed to Echo the Last Few Notes For Ever and Ever.

7 responses to “Charlie Brooker tells you everything you need to know about THAT wedding

  1. Ha. I missed the lot. even the highlights….except that the pub I crawled into had bunting up which kept throttling me as I went to the bar for refills so that I could blot out the rest of the world and their fecking obsession with the royal anachronisms. Oh and they were serving Royal Wedding beer which I gave a miss. It was possible made out of blue blood or something.

    • I confess that I did watch some of it. Morbid curiosity. I wondered just how much of an assault on the collective conscious (translate: the public pot) it would be. Yup, they didn’t spare the expense did they! (As it goes, I think that they’re probably nice people, the two of them. It’s the institution – the royal family and, to a lesser extent, marriage – I despise.)

      Have you seen this, by the way?

      • That comic is brilliant as well as true.

        I’ve seen estimates for the cost of the wedding at around £20million and the Torygraph says it will cost £6 billion in lost revenue and extra pay for workers. The police need to be paid double time to work on a Friday apparently.

        If the ConDem party bring in the new tax bribe for married couples do you think that the tax payer would pay for my wedding. Apparently my lineage goes back to William the Bastard, the man responsible for hacking Harold apart with swords (no arrow in the eye, that’s a myth) at Battle, near Hastings. That must mean that me and Prince Willy are practically cousins. C’mon, cough up you fecking proles.

        • Ugh to cost. But it’s worth a shot! Hey, I’m a descendant of some Irish warriors who were nobility of some description (in the Oirish sort of way) and who the English disenfranchised as soon as they could. Perhaps I could get a couple of quid towards the auld nuptials?

        • I think it depends on how big the bribe is from the government. If I’m only going to be better off by £50 a year then I’d want to spend less than £50 on the wedding myself and the rest can come from my adoring serfs. If I’m going to benefit by many thousands of pounds then the serfs will have less to pay out. Then again anyone who works will be paying the bribe year on year anyway as it is our money that will be used for Dave’s Big Social Engineering Project.

          I’d rather the state kept their nose out of what is essentially none of their business and stopped using our money so frivolously. Then again I’d rather they account for how they spend our money so we can see how they fritter it away. The buggers.

  2. Pingback: That wedding happened, and didn’t we all know it! « tenderhooligan·

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