If you missed the nuptials yesterday (as if that were possible!), Charlie Brooker has a précis of it all here. Really, nothing else happened. Oh, there might have been the two of them in an Aston Martin being driven by Wills*, about which a BBC presenter said, “They’re just an ordinary couple”. Yes, in an Aston Martin with a security escort on their way from a palace to a mansion. So ordinary, don’t you know!
* He’s driving it himself! Himself! Look at the L plate! Oh have you ever seen anything like it?! Isn’t it adorable!? Isn’t it just the most amazing thing you ever have seen!?
If hashtags were reocognised on wordpress, I would include #thankfuckthatsover on this post.
Hat-tip to lapetitefeministeanglaise.
10.15 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Snarky Comment Re Prince William’s Hairloss
10.30 I Couldn’t Care Less About the Royal Wedding and I Don’t Care Who Knows It Pundits declare their ambivalence toward today’s event while standing on brightly coloured plinths clutching armfuls of live chicks in order to make them look slightly silly for bothering.
11.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Joke Re Kate Being Taken Up the Aisle
11.15 At the Altar Live footage of the couple at the altar, accompanied by impromptu ironic commentary ostensibly emanating from within Prince William’s head, performed by Peter Dickson, voice of The X Factor. 1
1.20 The Royal Wedding in Solid 3D Breathtaking coverage of the ceremony utilising a groundbreaking new broadcast system that converts images of the happy couple into devastatingly accurate three-dimensional carved wooden effigies, spilling from your screen in real-time at a rate of 25 figurines per second. Samsung Accu-Carve Solid 3D TV required. Caution: may fill house with miniature royals and assorted detritus. 12.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Go a Bit Gooey
12.15 The Bit with the Carriage During which viewers may choose to speculate about how many hospitals you could buy for the cost of that bejewelled chariot, but alas to no avail, for ye shall be drowned out by the cheering and the merry-making and the joyous hubbub.
1.25 Balcony Kiss Your chance to witness the one image certain to dominate every newspaper’s front page tomorrow. Unless Prince Harry goes mad and has a shit on the steps of the cathedral and then does a backflip and kicks a girl in the face.
2.00 Endless Endless Loops of Everything You’ve Just Seen, But Cut Into Slightly Smaller Chunks, Spooling Over and Over and Over With a Newsreader Burbling Over the Top, Repeating and Repeating and Repeating Until You Feel Like Time Itself is a Scratched CD Doomed to Echo the Last Few Notes For Ever and Ever.